I am really starting to wonder why everybody around me is to put bluntly, "hooking up". I don't know how it makes me feel. Frankly, I don't know how I feel at all. I wish I did.

I wonder what being in a relationship feels like. Is it tiring, having to constantly pay 100% attention to your partner, even if you don't give a damn about what their friends think, or if they look fat in those jeans? Or do relationships bring about a sense of happiness and peace, because you know you're going to marry this person?


Someone asked me why I don't hook up. To tell the truth, I think it's a waste of time, because I know the so called "love" will dwindle and die, will never last. I'd rather keep my friendships the way they are, and not jeopardize them all for one person I might end up getting screwed over by. Maybe I'm just scared. But the main reason I don't "hook up" is because nobody has been interested in the first place. Apart from Martin, but I guess I just saw him as a friend.

That person also asked me if I was afraid of being lonely. I said I was, but isn't everyone? Most people try to cover up the fact that they're scared, and so do I. Being lonely is a terrible feeling. It's like looking into a long tunnel, but not seeing the light at the other end. It makes me feel like there's a chain attached to my heart, and I can feel it being pulled out by the people that used to care about me. Being lonely makes me feel like everything is dark and the darkness just keeps pressing in, until I can't breathe. I don't like feeling lonely.

When I grow up, I want to live in a place with lots and lots of people. I want to surround myself with strangers and blend in, get lost in the sea of people and lose my identity. That way people like Chris Yong won't judge me and I won't have to feel sad any more. And most importantly, with all the people, I'll never, ever feel lonely again.

To the ones out there who care: I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Oh and also, THE GAME.